Auditions are not a big deal to me anymore, but they are a huge deal now more than ever. Huh? With all the perceived stress and judgments that are wrongly connected to the act and event of auditioning, it's no wonder why people tend to shy away from or fear it. I started taking performance auditions in elementary school, just for a ranking ranging from good to superior (already a labeling issue), and at first I wouldn't get nervous. But when I started connecting my success with pleasing my teachers or my family, nerves immediately set in. This would only get worse as I got older resulting in paranoia, depression and anxiety attacks. These imposed definitions and characteristics of the AUdition made me see it as an AWdition, regretting and even dreading taking them. Luckily, one of my private teachers, Eric Millstein, took time to talk to me and help me see not only auditions differently, but music performance in general. The audition is not what you think it is, it's way simpler and way less stressful. The first thing to do is to accept this as truth. The majority of people may believe that it is this huge event, which it "is", and is extremely stressful, which it "is", and even the musical culture currently has these descriptions habitually attached to it. Living and working outside these labels is the first step to liberating yourself from the fears and anxieties of it. It's not easy to do, because it really feels like you're the only person, like you are the odd ball for feeling so calm and almost passive about the entire event. You may feel like, "Why aren't I nervous? Something must be wrong?" or "It can't be that easy." In actuality, there are more people who think that auditions are simple and even easy than you know, and they do win jobs more often than the ones who are gripped by fear. Now, why is it simpler and less stressful? As human beings we tend to attach all types of ideas and excuses/reasons with what we do ("I have to cook because I'm hungry"), but the problem arises when we attach a worst case future scenario to our actions ("I have to cook or I'll starve to death"). Often our reasons behind what we do are completely valid, but the danger of assuming or speculating the future or results is what creates the anxiety. Stay in the moment and don't try to predict the future. Yes, we have to prepare heavily for the audition, but that's it! It is not, "I have to play perfectly or I will get cut." Many people play perfect rounds and still get cut, and often people with one or two mistakes get passed along to the second or final round. Even in the final round, some mistakes can be made and they still win! Simplicity wins here. We prepare for an audition so that we are prepared for it. We don't even prepare to win, or to play our best. We prepare so that we are prepared. Nothing more, nothing less. If you rest in the fact that you are prepared, it really takes some of the fear away because you know you came prepared, not, you came to win or you came to impress the judges. Yes, we all want to win, but if we prepare with that mentality we risk clouding and missing certain things. The first professional audition I advanced in, I felt extremely prepared for and I went in so confident to the point that I stopped caring about whether or not I would hit a right or wrong note. I just played and even did things I hadn't practiced, but felt in the moment. Sadly, the one excerpt that I did not do this, in my first round, was the one where I felt the need to do a bunch of impressive things to get through the round. Because of this, some musical ideas that I imported sounded outside the character of the piece, even though I thought they sounded impressive. They asked the same excerpt in the second round and it was because of this that I was cut. Honestly, you cannot know what is impressive to anyone, so why even try to do it? It's when we aren't trying that it happens, it's when we play the music so truthfully that the panel hears the orchestra behind you that they are in awe. Auditions are a major event, yes, and you cannot take it lightly or haphazardly. Auditions can be stressful, yes, because there's a lot of material to learn and often money, potential or otherwise, attached to it. The hard thing for us to do is to ignore all of the unnecessary chatter and noise that these potentials and reasons can create within and around us. Negativity (caused by realistic logic or unrealistic speculation) of any kind will cloud not only your actual audition, but the process leading up to it. There have been some smaller auditions where I had prepared and played extremely well, made it to the finals, and could literally feel the negative energy coming from behind the screen. There have also been some where the job had so much negative opinions or history that I feared winning it! Being aware of these things can help you navigate through them better and make the process and event a lot less stressful and way easier to deal with. For me, now, I see auditions with a sense of awe. It's amazing being in that zone of playing for people the way I want to. A zone where I can literally sense the panel or the atmosphere of the hall and orchestra and play to that! I literally want to improvise and find new things in my pieces while I'm presenting what I've prepared. It's exhilarating and does make me nervous because of how vulnerable and almost, no literally how unsure I am of what will come out, even though I've planned so much! But, I've learned to accept that, because even though you plan and practice to the point of perfection, you really don't know what that moment will produce. So, I don't try to know, I let the moment guide my preparation, my interpretation, and my presentation. When I won the Detroit Fellowship, I literally did not think about my strategies or prepared crescendos and phrasings. I listened to the hall, sensed the panel, felt the energy that the orchestra left behind, and played with that. I lost and found myself in the music and at the end of the round I won the Fellowship. I even struggled with the fact that I won, because it felt like I hadn't done anything! The finals felt easy, effortless and I thought that because I didn't struggle that I didn't deserve to win. But, actually, that's the whole reason I did win. That's been my standard ever since. Making the process and the event easy, effortless, playing my way, not trying to impress but trying to play truthfully and honestly in that moment, not only in auditions but in every performance. It may not be the "norm" for auditioning, but it works for me and that's exactly what you should find for yourself. A system where you will be so prepared that you can just play the music the way you want, not giving way to fear of mistakes, fear or judgment and fear of loss and winning. Caution: the system does not guarantee "victory". It can only prepare you for playing the notes, traditional and trendy phrasing, etc. The magic happens when you play so truthfully and honestly that the music comes to life, the orchestra can be heard in your playing, and "you" disappear. In the words of Eric, "Just think about the music. It's all about the music."
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"All type of knowledge ultimately means self knowledge" - Bruce Lee At some point in our lives music gave us some sort of feeling inside that drew us to it. It's this feeling that we can always return to keeping us motivated or reminding us why we started in the first place. For me, when I was a child I watched the Lion King often and my least favorite scene was when Simba finds Mufasa after Scar kills him. The scene starts off dead silent with Simba crying out for his father. No music plays, only the sounds of Simba and another animal running away. As soon as he sees his father the music starts. I can still remember my ears widening, trying to hear anything that might give some hope of a happy outcome. As you know, that is not the case in this scene and the music definitely would not let you forget it. So, on one particular night after watching the movie again, I woke up in the middle of the night and the silence of the apartment brought me right back to that scene with Simba. Then, clear as day the entire score from that scene started to play in my head and ring in my ears. I started reciting Simba's lines and just started bawling in the middle of the living room. Once the scene was over i went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. Now, I'm not saying that everyone's experience is just as, more or less dramatic, but whatever it was it hit us in a memorable way. To me, I've been trying to get to that emotional state ever since I consciously and unconsciously pursued music. I still listen to childhood favorites to keep me connected to my younger self; Christmas music is always a great source of that. I practice while in that state and practice going in and out of that state. It's hard sometimes because certain things I hear or see remind me of triggers for the state and I can unintentionally go in and react emotionally to it. It is also hard because if it's an effective reminder my mind will hold onto that sound or image even if I don't want it to. Just now, even, my girlfriend was watching a movie that had a child crying out his sister's name because she got hit by a car in the rain. She was ok, thank God. I don't think I could've handled any other outcome at the time I was writing this, but when I heard that scream I almost lost it. Playing musical notes and things, you don't necessarily need emotion to do that. Being a musician, you need to be in touch with every aspect of your emotional spectrum in order to connect with people. Actors have to do this or else their characters seem fake, so they subject themselves to feeling all ranges of emotions to relate to the audience. We have to allow ourselves to do the same. I can't connect with someone who's lost someone close to them if I haven't experienced that feeling or allowed myself to connect to someone or an event that emulates that. I'm not saying make yourself cry all the time but do be open to feeling all emotions, even if they don't feel good. No, I don't only practice in a state of emotional sadness. Mostly it's a state of the hearing that I experienced as a child, hearing the vastness of the space around me, the depth and expansive quality of even the smallest room, feeling completely connected to the environment as if it were an extension of myself. It's there that all my practice becomes enhanced, stimulated, and meaningful. So, when the emotional state is on, all I think about is the feeling itself. Yes, I might be listening to what I'm doing but really all I'm thinking about is portraying the feeling or the character itself. You know the feeling at Christmas where you get that warm fuzzy feeling, being with friends or family, anyone who's dear or close to you? Picture that plus the feeling of being under a warm blanket on a cold winter night. Picture both of those plus the feeling of hearing a nostalgic song you used to listen to all the time. Now add the way your mouth waters at your favorite food, and the feeling of a nice cold drink after you just finished eating. Did I mention the feeling of getting something you were really excited to buy or receive from a friend. Let's not forget that feeling of seeing someone you haven't seen for a very long time, a close friend, relative or significant other. Lastly, for now, picture yourself in an open field, standing, looking up at the warm night sky. It's filled with stars, only the quiet sound of crickets chirping in the background. You feel your eyes trying to capture the vastness of space, and feel yourself falling backwards, even though you're not moving at all. That's how I feel whenever I play music in that complete space of emotion. People would ask me why I'm so excited about music. It's because all of those feelings, and many more, are mixed together, stored, let out and continually replenished moment by moment, whether I'm physically playing music or not. I can slip into this space at any time I want, with or without a stick in my hand. With all the technique I've managed to acquire, I don't even need it anymore to get to the place I want, but I'm trying everyday to get more of it to express the new things the space introduces to me. Basically, I'm still that five year old kid, crying in the middle of the living room, with music in his ears and uncontrollable emotions spewing out of his heart, making any sound necessary in order to express the unspeakable. I hope you can find your reasons and motivations for anything you do and really explore every aspect of it. Free yourself to be adventurous and learn about yourself more. The more you know you, the easier it will be to show yourself through your music. Happy searching! |
About these PostsJust some thoughts about how We, ourselves, are our best source of information and how we can become more aware of our thoughts. Archives
August 2016
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